Loving like Christ: When Sinners Say "I Do"

Marriage. It's been on my mind a lot this week, and is very dear to my heart and something that, by God's grace, I feel I have a pretty clear perspective on. I still have much more learning and much more living to do, but I do feel that, thanks to God's Word, biblically-saturated books, and the teachings/lives of those who have loved Christ longer than myself, I can say a lot of things with confidence when it comes to Christ-centered marriage. 

If you are a Christian, I hope this post is encouraging to you, whether you're in a wonderful marriage or a tumultuous one. If you're not a Christian, I invite you to simply read and learn what the God of the Bible thinks of marriage and how he helps his children to serve him together. I'm not aiming to merely express an opinion. Sure, there are practical things you can do to have a happier marriage--don't go to bed angry, always be honest, and don't be secretive are all good things. But they're not the ultimate thing. I want to just share what Scripture says, as well as give practical examples and illustrations. I hope to address these questions, and others: What does the Bible say marriage is about? How can I be a helpmeet to my husband? How can I honor the Lord when I get frustrated with my spouse? What if the person I married isn't "the one"? 

I'm no guru, but I have been married for 3.5 years and am still very happy, very fulfilled, and very in love. This isn't because I got lucky and married a perfect man, nor am I a perfect wife. Rather, we recognize our biblical roles as instructions from a loving and trustworthy God. Though we aren't always faithful on a daily basis to carry out our roles, merely recognizing and acknowledging God's instructions and views on holy matrimony has completely shaped our marriage into something that is healthy and God-honoring; revolutionary in our American culture. As Christians, our main mission field is our family. If you have or plan to have children, seeing mom and dad's love for each other will help them to have a sense of security, confidence, and will aid them in falling in love with the God of the universe. When your marriage honors the Lord (after all, he created it), it will not only help you grow and learn spiritually, it will capture the attention of those around you. We all love to see old married couples for a reason: they seem to be an exception! Divorce happens right and left and we are used to seeing that. However, seeing a couple still holding hands and loving each other in their old age is nothing less than a beautiful and intriguing thing. It's even more remarkable when they are Christians, because their love surpasses the physical realm; it isn't just about enjoying each other's company, but seeking Christ's heart--together.


 No matter how the movies make it look, marriage is still two sinful, selfish people joining their lives together. It's not always easy. Yet it is much richer and more beautiful than movies give it credit for. Contrary to culture, the Bible doesn't teach that you date someone, try them on for size, and if they don't please you, go to the next person. Once you do find someone who you think is suitable for the long run, you're told to sleep with them for a few years, then decide to marry. To do otherwise is strongly advised against in today's world. We are told on talk shows and through popular books that we need to put "me" as #1. We are told to "follow our heart," even if it means leaving your spouse for a newly developed love affair with "the one". We are told we are the most important person in the world, and everyone else is secondary. Sex is no longer an intimate act between a husband and wife, but a fun activity whenever the desire hits with whomever is available at the time. 

However, despite the "advice" I was given (by nonbelievers mostly) when I got engaged at 20, I don't feel trapped or like I am somehow missing out on life or a career. I don't feel tied down and most certainly, I don't feel burdened. I feel joyful, free, and deeply loved. The main reason is because, quite simply, of who God is. I'll unpack that a bit. God loved the world so much that he sent his son, Jesus Christ, to die and take the sins of the world upon himself, so that whoever puts their faith in him can have their guilt washed away and be ordained with perfect righteousness (John 3:16). Instead of leaving us dead in our sin and to ourselves, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but simply because he chose to. Salvation is not earned; it is through grace alone (Ephesians 2:8-10). That is pretty good news right there. Just knowing this Gospel--that God decided to love me even when I didn't deserve it--gives me joy every morning when I wake up. Anything this God tells me to do in my marriage, I'm going to trust, because He has already given me the greatest gift of all-eternal life through Christ Jesus.


Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.




(Ephesians 5:22-33 ESV)


Did you catch that last part? Paul quotes Genesis 2:24, a verse in the very beginning of the Bible concerning Adam and Eve being "one flesh", and says that ultimately, it's about Christ! Marriage is about Christ! Jesus and his bride (his people) are one flesh together! That literally means we are united with him and can never be torn apart. Marriage's main purpose is meant to reflect the glory of the Gospel; to reflect God himself. 


That right there changed my world. You mean, marriage is about...God? Yes, in a smaller way, it is about us. But not ultimately. Marriage is not about you. It's not about serving yourself. It's about serving God.

Wives, as you can see from the text above, the husband's role is clearly a lot harder. He has to love us as Christ loved his people (that's a heavy calling!), teach us, present us holy, nourish and cherish us. He is, in a sense, responsible for our spiritual state. So remember that. He has a big mandate given to him. Help make his job easy. And following our mandate--to submit to him--will make that astronomically easier. Of course, we have our own relationship with Christ, but when you get married, your role changes a bit. You have to submit to the Lord, but you also must submit to your husband in the same way ("as to the Lord"). We don't tend to like that word "submit" as we associate it with inferiority. But before we get too hostile too fast, remember, Jesus submitted to his father without a complaint.  In fact, he loved submitting to his Father. Doesn't mean he was any less valuable of course. There is something very beautiful and very strong about a submissive person. "Be argumentative and overbearing," said no Bible verse ever. And notice, it just says wives to submit to your husbands, not women submit to men. Big difference there. 

The question that almost always immediately follows this is: "Well what if my husband tells me to make a nuclear bomb and blow up the country? Should I submit to him then?" Ok, when is the last time your husband asked you to do that? Probably never. We don't submit when they ask us to sin, because we ultimately submit to Christ, but we do submit in general. Does your husband want to pursue a different career, but you don't think it's the best move? You can express your opinion and discuss together, but ultimately, we are under his leadership and authority.  By submitting to your husband, you are showing that you trust God. To argue with and attempt to undermine your husband is ultimately saying, "God I don't trust you. My way is better". Your husband is not infallible and he will make mistakes, but the Word is infallible and it is what has commanded you. So even  if you think your husband is making a stupid move, be blameless before the Lord. He honors and blesses obedience. Be obedient, not "right." 

What are some practical ways we can show our husbands we love them? 

1) Apologize quickly. Admit the ways you have sinned against him and ask for his forgiveness. Believe me, people notice when you don't apologize. Even if things go back to normal after a heated argument, he hasn't forgotten. 

2) Never, ever say anything negative. Ever. Even when it's that time of the month and you are so ill you can't stand yourself, don't snap at him. Seek to be above reproach in all ways. Consider Proverbs 31:12, "She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life." 

3) Serve him with a grateful heart. Put effort in the tasks you do for him (laundry, supper, etc) to make him feel appreciated and important. Ask how you can help him. If he's stressed or seeming down, ask him, "Is there anything I can do to help you?" 

4) Thank him for the things he does; let him know you notice. Let him know you appreciate his effort, whether it be at school, work, or around the house. Even if he throws his clothes in the floor and doesn't put them in the hamper (can I get an "amen"?), it's not worth belittling him over. Is it really worth arguing with him? " She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue" (Proverbs 31:26) Make sure you are honoring this Bible verse. 

 5) Keep an eternal perspective. The way you treat your husband can affect his spiritual health. If your husband is not a believer, your actions can either turn him to the Lord or turn him away from the Lord. When he messes up, you can choose to still be loving and respectful toward him, or you can choose to be a butt. Your choice. Which one reflects God? Even when you get so tired of certain ways he's sinned against you, how many times was God patient with you when you sinned against Him? When he does do something to upset you, take a few minutes to stop and pray, then talk about it. Not confront, but talk. Things just go so much better when we pray first!! They just do.

If your husband is not a believer, Paul does give instructions. " If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy." (1 Corinthians 7:13-14) And may you be encouraged by this: "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives" (1 Peter 3:1) Your husband is watching you, and your life may be the very thing that wins him to Christ or the very thing that turns him away. This seems heavy and that's because it is, but the good news is, God's Holy Spirit will help you to do these things. Seek to honor him in your marriage and He will help you. He wants your husband to be saved as well.


So, what happens if you are married, but you really truly believe that you didn't marry "the one"? Guess what? "The one" is the person you are married to. Think about this logically for a second. "The one"? What does that even mean? If there's just one person out there for everyone, what if someone messes it up? You can search far and wide, but you're never going to find a perfect person. You'll just find another sinner. God never, ever, ever, ever calls you to be romantically involved with someone other than your spouse. You are "one flesh" with this person until death. "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel" (Malachi 2:16). God hates divorce. God loves marriage. Do you really want to do something that God hates? Why would God tell you to do something that he already says he hates? 

I'd like to end by saying this. I love Blake so much. He has been a great husband and a great father. I know that I have failed him time and time again, but I trust that my Savior is sufficient for my mistakes. I trust that my efforts are blessed and my obedience noticed. I am blessed enough to have a Christian husband who loves me, teaches me, prays for me, and serves me in every way. Marriage is a sanctifying process. I have become more like Christ because of him and understand the Scriptures more because of his devotion to learning and teaching them. If your husband is not a believer, just know that God is the greater husband, and your desire to serve and love your husband will not go without fruit. Even if your husband never converts, he will stand before God one day and know that you told him the Gospel and you served him, and he still said no. Your efforts and prayers are not in vain. I challenge you to love and serve your husband so much tomorrow that he is overwhelmed by your generosity.

I always want to encourage the Christian women out there to continue to trust God and to continue in your marriages. God is never wrong and God makes no mistakes. He could've said nothing about marriage, yet he has given us its definition, purpose, and instructions for how to do it. That's a good thing! Let's heed his instructions and love Jesus together.