What Do I Do When My Husband is Wrong?

"But what if he's wrong?"

I have been asked this in person, and I have wondered it myself in the past. When it comes to Christian wives being instructed to submit to their husbands, our minds seem to inevitably go here rather quickly. Although I think sometimes we ask this question because we're a little too confident that we are always right, it is actually a legitimate question. Let's look at this together.

Does the Bible really say to submit to my husband?

Yes. This is not a cultural norm nor is it tradition. It is rooted in the inspired scriptures. "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its savior. Even as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands" Ephesians 5:22-24, ESV. "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting to the Lord." Colossians 3:18. "...as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord." 1 Peter 3:6 

What does it mean to "submit" anyway?

I can't speak for other cultures, but in America, submission is a four-letter word. We usually imagine a woman slaving over a hot stove, unsatisifed with her life, all the while her belligerent husband screams demands in the background. We imagine a woman who is lonely and never loved. For some of us, we even imagine domestic abuse. However, is this the biblical portrait? Webster's defines submission as "the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority
of another person." It is not inherently ugly. In fact, it is often an action depicting great faith and strength. Practically speaking, submission is necessary for survival in some cases. A good example is the military. You have to trust those who are ranked higher than you. They have more experience and better discernment. As a parent, my child does better when he submits to me when I tell him not to cross the road. My knowledge and experience surpasses his own. But, did you know there is submission within the trinity? Within the very nature of God himself lies a heart of submission. 

"For I have come down from heaven, not to do My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me" Jesus, John 6:38

"You heard that I said to you, 'I go away, and I will come to you ' If you loved Me, you would have rejoiced because I go to the Father, for the Father is greater than I. " -Jesus, John 14:28

Jesus submitted even to the point of death. "And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will" -Matthew 26:39

"For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many" -Mark 10:45

If submission is inherently bad, do you think Jesus would have done it? Or does this demonstrate that submission can be beautiful when done with the right heart?

Submission is not saying you're wrong

I don't ultimately submit to my husband because I'm dumb and he is always right. It does not have anything to do with his intellect, but with God's design. God designed marriage to be between one man and one woman and has explicitly said in scripture that the husband is your head. In fact, the husband has the hard job! The Bible verses on his role are much longer and more detailed! Ladies, you are not held accountable for your husband's spiritual growth but he is held accountable for yours.

Submission is not saying you're of less value

Genesis says God made man and woman in his image. Isn't that beautiful? You don't have that in other religions! In Islam, women are inherently lesser than men. In fact, they believe 90% of the people in hell are women. This is not true in Christianity. You see the love that God has for women. Christ healed them, held them, and was so tender with them. Roles have nothing to do with our value before God. It has everything to do with obedience and design.

Submission is not being okay with abuse

Hear this loud and clear: if your husband is beating you, please remove yourself from the home. Get the police involved, and if he's a believer, get the church involved. You are called to protect yourself and your children. This is why there is church discipline and this is why we have civil authorities. There is nowhere in scripture that says it is ok to beat women. That is when the husband steps outside his role of loving you like Christ loves the church. He is not loving you in that moment, but instead putting your life in danger. You do NOT submit to physical abuse!

Submission is not submitting to all men-just your husband!

That's right. You are not called to submit to a man that is not your husband. Of course be respectful of your pastor, your father, etc. This is not a license to be rude. 

Submission can bring your non-believing spouse to Christ

"Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct."- 1 Peter 3:1-2. Wow! God uses the submission of wives to bring husbands to saving faith.

So here we come back to the original question, what do we do if our husband is wrong? 

One, we have to accurately define "wrong". Wrong does not mean you just disagree with him over what color to paint the bedroom. Wrong does not mean he thinks you should go to the doctor over that strange lump but you want to wait and see what happens. Wrong doesn't mean he has given your child time out but you think it's too harsh, so you let the child off. You're not his mom. You can express concern but do not let it go to the point of combating him. I am not saying do not bring your concerns before your husband! Because you should. But once it gets to the point of combatting him, it has gone too far. The verses say to submit in "everything". That means everything. 

Two, if your husband is not asking you to directly sin--that is, kill someone, commit adultery, beat your kids, embezzle money--then you are to submit to him as you would submit to the Lord Jesus himself. Look, we don't submit because he's right, we submit because we trust God. Even if he's "wrong" and by "wrong" i mean in disagreement with you, you are always in God's will if you submit to your husband, even when he's "wrong". If he feels God is calling him to move his family to a new part of the country, listen to him. It may seem ludicrous to you, but keep in mind, God lays the family decisions on the husband's shoulders, not yours. God speaks to each of you individually but he does speak to the husband in a unique way. There has been times when I have submitted to my husband even though I really thought he was making an unwise move. And you know what? It's amazing, because I had the peace that I was in God's will and he would bless my obedience, or my husband heard my concerns and submitted to me! Your husband may not be loving and he may not be willing to submit to your needs, but your role is still the same.

When I see a woman who is disrespectful to her husband, doesn't listen to him and always thinks she knows best, I don't look at her and think that's a strong woman. I think that's a weak woman. That's an ugly woman, and I don't want to be like that. It is my prayer for all Christian wives that we would be more like Christ--literally--by submitting to our authority. Obedience to God's commands is never going to be against God's will.