The Threat of Death: The Glimpse of Heaven
After Adam and Eve sin against God in the Garden of Eden, God tells Eve, "I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children" (Genesis 3:16).
That's still true today.
Childbearing is cursed. It's harder to see it in America because we have modern medicine and modern conveniences that make childbearing easier: epidural, IVs, blood transfusions, computers monitoring our vital signs 24/7, hospitals around every corner, a plethora of doctors and nurses, formula, bottles, sanitary pads, breast pumps, you name it. We have been able to reduce pain and increase comfort for mothers everywhere. Maternal and infant mortality are very low in the Western world.
But in developing countries, being pregnant can be a death sentence for many women. In fact, it is estimated that 1 in 6 women in a developing country will die from a complication from childbirth, and 1 in 4 women worldwide will die from a postpartum hemorrhage. On Monday, I had a postpartum hemorrhage.
Everything had been fine since having my daughter, Lydia. I had a C-Section and left the hospital the next morning. I felt fine. In fact, it was much easier than the vaginal birth I had with my son! I was impressed with how quickly I was healing and how easily I was getting around.
Fifteen days after Lydia's birth, I went into the hospital with severe bleeding. I knew I was hemorrhaging. I had read on it before and knew what was happening. It was very gruesome. Long story short, my hemoglobin level dropped from an 11 to a 6.8 in about 12 hours (that's very bad!), so I was given a blood transfusion. In fact, when I had first come to the hospital a second time (they sent me home the first time for reasons I still can't understand), I passed out shortly thereafter. I felt like death.
Passing out hurts. Apparently this is not the experience other people have while passing out, but for me, it feels like acid is being poured into my veins and goes straight to my brain. I feel the same way when I'm given heavy pain medicine or laughing gas. It's a very painful experience.
For the first time in my life, I felt that I might not make it. Of course, no one at the hospital ever said, "Hey you may not make it" or urged Blake to call the family in by any means. And if Blake truly thought they were going to just let me die, he would've spoken up! But we were both scared and understood we were on shaky ground. I was at a threshold. If the bleeding didn't stop, surgery was going to have to happen. Surgery is always risky, especially 2 weeks after a c-section.
I was scared. We had just gotten Lydia home from a 13-day NICU stay a couple days earlier. I thought life was back to normal. I thought we could finally take a deep breath and move forward. And now this was happening.
As I lay there on the hospital bed, head pounding and still that "burning" sensation in my veins from having passed out, I thought about, what if I don't make it? What if they have to do surgery and there's complications and I die? What if this small hospital just isn't equipped to do what needs to be done? What would my husband do? My children? What if at 26, my life is going to end? It was a scary thought.
But for the first time in my life, I had a glimpse of heaven; a flicker of excitement. I didn't want to die, but I knew that if I did, that meant I would see Christ. And that was exciting. It became very comforting that, if I live, I'll see my husband and children and that'll be great. But if I die, I'll see Jesus, and that will be even better. I would finally get to meet him face-to-face. The wait would be over. Perhaps I was just inches from his door. Our days are numbered (Psalm 139:16), and maybe mine was over.
Scripture became so dear to me and I asked Blake just to read it aloud to me. The Gospel became so precious. I began to just listen to God's word and fill my soul with his truth. There is no other comfort during something like that than to know that God is sovereign, I am his, and no one can pluck me from his hand.
I thought about the pain that Jesus felt while on the cross. I'm sure he passed out. The blood loss he experienced certainly would've dropped his hemoglobin levels more drastically than mine. His head probably pounded. He couldn't hardly breathe because of the weight of trying to hold himself up on the small piece of wood that protruded under his feet. Dehydration, asphyxia. And on top of the physical pain, he had spiritual pain because for the first (and last) time in history, he was separated from the Father. Isaiah 53:10 says it was the will of God to crush his son. Jesus quotes Psalm 22 on the cross and asks his Father, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" And to think that Jesus went through all that for evil people like me.
I was in a modern-day hospital, surrounded by people who cared for me and I had my husband by my side. Jesus was deserted by his closest followers, and no one was coming to rescue him.
But "for the joy set before him he endured the cross" Hebrews 12:2 says. Jesus could endure what he was going through because something better was coming. He would sit at the right hand of God the Father, he would have ransomed a people from every nation, tribe, and tongue, and he would forever be glorified. His plan that was set in motion before the foundation of the world was finally being played out. Christ endured the suffering and the pain for his own glory and, for people like you and me.
Though small, there's still a chance I could hemorrhage again in the next few weeks. If so, then I will have to take comfort that God is in control of all things at all times, and he will either heal me again, or I will see him.
"The wages of sin is death" (Romans 6:23). We will pay for our sins. But, God sent his son, Jesus, to live a perfect life and die on the cross in our place. Sin requires punishment and blood (Hebrews 9:22), and Jesus shed his own for our souls. He gives his righteousness to anyone who would call upon him in faith and trust, so that when we die and stand before God, he sees us as perfect, which is the requirement for seeing God (Matthew 5:48). One day, Jesus will return and set all things right. Until then, we have to endure this traumatic world. But one day, heaven will come!
